SporkSaix

My Immortal: Google Speakwrite Edition, chapter 1

Hi my name is ebony dark'ness dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid back and I see blue eyes like 150 years and a lot of people tell me I look like a melee. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major f****** hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, & I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year. I'm a glass and I wear mostly black. I love hot topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around is in a black leather mini skirt, pink fishnets and what come back. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no Sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Hey ebony! Shouted a voice. I looked up. It was.... Draco Malfoy!

What's up Draco? I asked.

Nothing. He said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

SporkSaix

Sporks and Spitefics

Lately, I have been catching up on das-sporking's Fifty Shades Freed spork, reading the one by Jenny Trout on another site, and writing my own with the help of my buddy Alys. I am also writing and planning some spitefics in the Twilight and Fifty Shades antifandoms... And I've been reposting some substandard fics my friends and I wrote ages ago on another site, after having someone edit them to be less terrible, of course.

Since my forays into the world of sporking, I have become much less confident about the quality of my own writing. It has been ages since I have posted anything seriously-written, and I even turned a beloved years-long project into a parody of itself. I try to avoid taking myself too seriously as a writer anymore in the hopes of avoidong the wrath of the sporking community at large.

Well, I may publish something serious-- and heavily researched and edited-- someday, but for now, I think parodies are the way for me to go.

Things for me to look at later

Since I'm on a friend's computer and don't want to message myself, I'll just post the links to stuff I want to look at later here:

http://www.girl-wonder.org/insideout/2007/04/09/sexual-assault-in-comics-awareness-month-writing-sexual-violence-part-1/

http://www.girl-wonder.org/insideout/2007/04/07/sexual-assault-in-comics-awareness-month-rape-in-the-gutters/

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GratuitousRape (also probably happens on my show)

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3537/3688323132_1940f640da.jpg
^ things I need to post on my Facebook

Lady of Pearl Emerald Fires
Uwe Boll

An aggressively bad mood...

I'm not actually in one at the moment, but I was a few days ago. Suffice to say, Christmas this year was not too merry for me.  I'm feeling mellower now, and I'll be back on my normal medicine and vitamin regimen on Monday, so I should calm down a bit and stop overreacting to everything.  I really hate being that emotional, especially since it frustrates my friends that they can't calm me down no matter what they say... except perhaps Sol. She's the only one who was able to say something that killed my bad mood.
SporkSaix

Undear Overly-Emotional Lying Twit,

Between someone who saved my life and someone who almost ended it, whose advice do you REALLY think I'm going to take? You really don't have the right to be upset with me about anything I've said, publicly or privately, because the hard truth is, you led me on. I started talking to you again because I'm a naturally forgiving person, but you don't have the right to insinuate that someone who saved my life doesn't care about me, just because you don't think anyone cares about you.

Oh, but just so we're clear, I don't. Your emotions aren't my problem, so go take your bile somewhere else kthx. I no longer care whether you live or die and I hope you die alone.

Sincerely,
Me.
SporkSaix

Full Moon

I would sit outside under the full moon with my night-blooming roses if I could.  I was emotionally disturbed for the past few weeks, especially the last couple of days, but the instant the sun set here, I was calm.  The full moon is rapturous to me.  I am at peace, for once.  It feels as though he is with me.
SporkSaix

(no subject)

My sleep cycle is back to what it ought to be in the school year-- that is, I'm now diurnal again.  I'll regularly be getting up before the sun actually shows itself through the clouds to make it to dance class in time.  My job will be to make everyone else look good by comparison, as I shall undoubtedly be the fattest and clumsiest student in the class.  I'll wear myself out, but it doesn't matter.

My Clipper card is loaded for September, so starting tomorrow, I can roam about the Silicon Valley as I please.  I love the way my new jazz shoes fit, but they'll take some getting used to, since I'm not used to working with dance shoes with heels.  My room is a mess and I really ought to clean it, but I'm low on energy due to depression.

I want nothing more than a lifetime by the side of the man I love.  I currently have no way of communicating with him, though, and he has not utilised any of his means of contacting me, which leads me to doubt whether he even has feelings for me.  I know that he must be busy, but honestly, it's been months, and I am not patient by nature.

I've been taking birth control pills, which are the only way to solve a medical problem I have, and it seems they've altered my personality. I got the lowest possible hormone dose, but I think they've lent a hand in making me a very unpleasant person.  Not that it really matters, except my new personality is interfering in my ability to feel faith in the people I love, and I don't like that. I don't want to be in doubt, but I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Anyway, none of my Facebook friends really seem to take me seriously (and these are mutual friends of my dear Frey), so I've decided to stay away for a bit.  Well, I decided in a bit of a tempest, so I don't know how long I'll be able to hold to it.  I love my friends, but I don't think it's fair to subject them to the monster I'm becoming.  I need to wait until I can get my head on straight and figure out who I am outside of my adherence to Frey.  I need to figure out how to make the wait more bearable, at least...

I'm writing a parody show, and it was the one thing I absolutely adored in this life, and even that has lost some of its appeal. I just don't care about anything anymore except being with Frey.  That's not the kind of person I want to be. I want to be kind and generous, like I used to be when I heard from him regularly.  I was making blankets for his friends and family, but all that got tossed by the wayside after several months of not hearing from him, and that's not fair to the would-be recipients.

I haven’t really been acting fair towards anyone, I’m afraid, and so I try to avoid meaningful contact with people.  All they’ll hear from me is things to do with Frey, and I’m not very interested in hearing anything from them.  I guess I just need space from everyone so I stop biting their heads of… but to be entirely fair, they should also know better than to keep trying to talk to me when I ask them to leave me alone.  They just <i>have</i> to get the last word in, those entitled little snots.  I really hate everyone.

Well, at least reading badfic sporkings has helped cheer me up some. It’s nice to read about people whose lives suck worse than mine—which, incidentally, is also why I’m re-reading The Picture of Dorian Gray.

I wonder what a painting of my soul would look like? I’m not exactly what I’d call a good person, but I do have my morals. I won’t interfere in an established relationship for my own benefit, I won’t be violent without cause, I won’t kill, and I won’t hurt others to get what I want (unless what I want is vengeance on a specific person, and then I kind of need to hurt that person).  I believe in helping people in need, but I don’t do so as freely as I ought to.  And, of course, when I don’t hear from Frey for a long period of time, I go from being kind and happy to asocial and depressed.  On LiveJournal, it’s a bit different, because everyone I’ve added has amusing things of value to say, but on Facebook, everyone just needlessly pesters me, and they turn out to /not/ be the person I want to hear from.  There’s actually just a small group of people I’m okay with hearing from, and it grows smaller every day.  I hate to be so heartless, but it’s out of my hands because, as much as I try, I can’t force myself to be pleasant, and so I’ve given up.

I’m hoping that my classes in the fall semester will give me something else on which to focus and make the pain of his absence a bit less. It would be easier if I knew how he felt about me—I mean, either way, whether he loves me or doesn’t, if I knew for sure I could figure out a next step to take.  But as it is, I’m just completely in limbo and I hate it.  And he’s the only one who can really tell me… I’m not comfortable with jumping to conclusions.  My friends don’t seem to have a problem with it, though, and that’s part of why they irritate me so much. I don’t want to hear speculation from a bunch of outsiders; I want to hear the truth from the source.

I am but a hollow wraith and Death is my constant companion.  Death, my lovely Grim Reaper figure with a removable scythe and a horse—though it should be a pale or green horse, not a black one.  Still, I fell in love with him the instant I saw him and picked him out and put him on my dresser.  When I get my own place it shall have a Death motif.  His presence soothes me in Frey’s absence.

SporkSaix

I've returned.

This is actually my third LiveJournal.  I keep forgetting the password for my second (backup) one (which doesn't make it a very good backup), and I deleted the first one about a year ago due to some unwanted drama.  To summarise, something I'd said in passing was taken the wrong way and I got loads of hatemail for it.  My best friend even asked to unfriend me because she didn't want her good screen-name sullied by the likes of me.  To be honest, I'm still a bit bitter about that last one. Yes, I love my friend, but if the situations had been reversed, I absolutely and without question or hesitation would have risked my reputation to defend her.  She's not the type of person who would have joined the crowd in condemning me, but the choice she made hurt just as much, so I felt it was best to deactivate and remove all traces of myself from the site, which LiveJournal, unlike Facebook, gives one the option to do.

I'm on some other sites, like OkCupid, MeetMe, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, and several RP forums, but I'm not exactly the social butterfly I used to be.  I'm only on OKC to gauge my personality against others in my age bracket because I find it amusing to do so, and because I've been on that site since I was about 15. At one point I was a moderator and became quite familiar with the magic of TinEye. *smiles*

MeetMe, formerly MyYearbook, has seriously downgraded.  It used to be a pretty good site, but now it's trying to copy Facebook and OkCupid and it's just become far too .... chintzy, I suppose is the word. (My vocabulary has severely diminished in the years since I began using social networks.)  Tumblr is... well, it's a good place to post pictures and long rants, but I don't get along with other RPers there.  Well, one of my RP accounts gets on fairly well so far because it's the first of its fandom.  I keep a Word of the Day account as well, for the purpose of rebuilding my vocabulary to its former glory.  Twitter I rarely use. I only check in every once in a while.  The forums have all died from inactivity, but lately I haven't been creative enough to bring them back up.

Facebook is undoubtedly where I spend the most time.  I don't get along with other RPers there either, but on Facebook, it's because they put less of an effort into their characters or self-presentation.  It's also because, for some reason, they feel that they're entitled to my attention. They're really NOT.  I keep my chat activated so that the people who need me can reach me, and lately I've cleared out my friend list so that only the people I actually know and like are there.  The problem is, when I ask someone to leave me alone and stop messaging me, they act like they're entitled to know WHY.  All they need to know is that I'm not in a good space to hear from them at the moment, and they need to respect that.  I've also had to ask several people MULTIPLE TIMES not to tag me in things on a specific account. I'm trying to keep my Timeline clear, and it's a pain to go through and remove everything every day.  To abbreviate a complicated story, that account's still up in the first place for a beloved cowriter whose account was deleted by a third party, and my account is in stasis until he comes back to reactivate his.

Anyway, I'm writing this for myself, but I'm aware that it will crosspost to one of my Facebooks... I also have multiple IRL accounts-- one of which is also in stasis.  The one to which this is being crossposted is basically where I'm tossing everything not RP-related, and it has both my parents added on it, which I may eventually regret.

I have the tendency to push people away, but the ones I truly care for, lately, haven't really seemed to want much to do with me. I don't blame them. I'm rather boring lately.  All I really do is brood and read.  There's one person who could make me feel infinitely better, but no-one's heard from him, my dear writing partner.  I hope he's alright.  It does make me feel a tiny bit better that I'm not the only one who hasn't heard from him, but that's selfishness again.  Anyway, ever since his account was, for lack of a better word, hacked, I don't really feel like talking to or hanging out with many of my friends.  So I started shutting everyone out and bit by bit, I think they're learning to leave me alone in return.  I just wish that the mere acquaintances would be the ones to leave me alone and the closer friends would... well, I don't know, but I do wish they were more available. I know I don't have much of a life, and next semester I'll be busy with math and dance classes, but...

I don't know. Perhaps I'm never truly satisfied, but then, I know that isn't quite true.  When I hear from him, I'm ecstatic.  When I read our old stories, I'm fond.  When I look back at the pictures of him I saved, I'm adoring.  All the little tokens I bought myself and scattered around my den make me smile.  But it's a stagnant sort of fondness, the kind that fades without a fresh influx of events to turn into memories. The smallest conversation is an event, you see, and it takes very little from him to make me smile.  It's just that lately--

Oh, what am I saying?  I make plenty of things for him and his friends.  I write for myself and I read to keep myself amused.  I found some lovely music recently.  I recognise that he's got things to deal with and that he never made any promises of me, so I shouldn't have any expectations of him, which is so much the better since most people who make promises to me tend to break them.  I'll just stop here and update when I'm making more sense to myself, I guess.
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